Mourning Reflection

I miss you. But I can’t tell you. I know that I can’t keep you. Though I love
you. Thinking of someone else loving you. Thinking of you loving someone else. My blue donkey is soaked with tears of my thinking.

There’s surely someone else who can handle you. There’s surely someone else who won’t get broken by things you say. There’s surely someone who will handle me with care. There’s surely someone who will realize that I am easily broken by things said.

I don’t know why I cry. Though I know I love you. Though I know you love me. Things weren’t as good as we figured they’d be, because we loved.

So I lay here thinking of how bad things were. So I lay here thinking you’re not thinking of me. So I lay here thinking of us apart. And I lay here wishing you were next to me, though I know it wouldn’t help.

Good times seemed few. Overshadowed by harsh words and thin skin. But I recall the night of moonlight and sparse stars. A night of burned spaghetti and burning candles. Nights in your arms.

But now I’m at the point of mourning where I wonder if I’d ever find someone. Because right now I want no one. Though I miss you.

I can’t believe I’m at a point where I want nothing. Recuperating from. Reflecting on. Mourning. You.

My love and Him

He never wanted to be with me the way I wanted to be with him.
That’s why he never believed that anything could be fixed.
Everything just was.

He never wanted to be with me, he just wanted to be with me because I meant that he was no longer lonely.

Pleading, pleading I was.
And he, angry angry.
Love him, love him, I did.
And he, angry angry.

I didn’t want him to think I trying to change him.
But he did.
I didn’t want to feel like he was guarded.
But I did.

I told him I didn’t remember ever crying as hard as when I let him go.

The hardest thing about letting go is not knowing if the other person truly understands just how hard it was to do.

I didn’t want to love with boundaries.
I create boundaries with associates, those untrustworthy.
But not with him, my love.
My love, my one and only.

But he was never..confident about my pleasure pleased.

Validation

What it means to be “qualified” in life? Is it just this one person, or is the whole universe a judge as to whether or not your even qualified to survive? Are you the real person who validates your own being? They say “make your own destiny,” but I’ve also been taught about fate as well as what it means to do what is safe and where is the validation in that?

With life we all go through stages. Each of these stages are saturated with the idea of validation. “Am I qualified to be the leader of this team?” “Am I qualified to serve donuts?” “Am I qualified to attend this school?” “I am qualified to be your lover?” “I am qualified to be your friend?” “I am qualified to be whatever you want me to be?” But who is really the judge of this “valid” feeling/option/quality? Your boss? The guy across the room? Your mother? Your father? Your wife’s parents? The manager of Chuck E. Cheese?

I don’t want to live a life where I feel as though I need to be “validated.” Being free of that word is being free from the fear of judgment which makes one question one’s adequacy. My fear is to live an ordinary life because I do not feel as though I am “ordinary.”

I want to made a valid part of society. I want to be a valid part of a valid relationship. I want to be of the echelon, but it starts within my own mind. And in viewing myself as of the echelon does not disqualify anyone else from such a ranking. It only takes determination, courage and a fearless way of life, without being careless.

Defend Myself Against the World

My perception is skewed by my constant need to prove that no one else can validate me.
Only I have the power to validate my feelings or my actions.
But still I cry as the turmoil fights inside (I know that sounds cliché, but fuck it).
I painfully see the errors in my ways and it will take a force of nature for me to change.
None will pass my way, as I defend myself against the world.

I will never play the role of the weak.
I will always prove that I am no meeker than the strongest of beings.
My mind runs over me and tramples emotions that lay helplessly before my path towards emotional growth.
I don’t know what to do, and I stumble through uncharted territories.

All I know is my mind is wide and my heart is deep.
And my eyes betray me when I react shallowly, defending myself against the world.

Normally I Wouldn't

It was the dead of winter in New York City and we were blessed with a 50 degree night. So it was wonderfully ironic that Simon had invited Lauren and I to one of his shows. We emerged from our den in Brooklyn and headed to the city to take advantage of this gift. The breeze by the East river was crisp, but we were happy enough that we only had to wear one extra layer of clothing. We stopped off to drink hot chocolate, catching up on lost time and debriefing on the upcoming activities. After a few hours of standing around and chatting, watching Simon do his thing on the dance floor, we decided to leave and head out to a club. There, we met with Chris, an old colleague, and smoozed before he let us in. We headed straight to the bar for margaritas, and the music was bumping! We advanced onto the non-dance floor and got it started, dancing the night away until I am approached by you. I have a new dance partner. Automatically, we vibe and enjoy every hip rock and back thrust. You make comments on my choice of dance songs and I refute. “You are so cute,” I think to myself. I tell my friend. You are less aggressive than I would have hoped as you didn’t ask for my number, which I guess worked out for the best. I’m about to leave. “That’s it,” you ask, and make appoint to get an alternative connection going. I get your full name, and I am sure to remember it until I get home. I request, you accept. I’m interested, I can’t lie to myself.

My David

His long stringy hair fell to his shoulders. The ends created little waves that reminded me of the torrent falls of Kaieteur. He had an interested look on his face, focused on the professor’s point of view on male female interactions and society’s view. He looked like a David, except for the turquoise gem that created a little sparkle on the center or his right nostril; this of course didn’t seem like an action of a man of 1504. I imagined him as a laid back, open-minded person, whose hunger for knowledge and spiritual connections couldn’t be satiated. His eyes were big and active with curiosity. He wore beads that hung like little colorful waves under his white t-shirt, and I imagined my tongue swimming through the still ripples. “So, what’s the purpose of society’s opinion in a world where individuality is praised,” he asked. His lips seemed like they were chanting a prayer the way they moved with such veracity. Moments like these are when I wished I paid attention to what the professor spoke about, because then I could respond to his question. We’d be dancing, making love with our words and our minds in front of everyone. But then again, I’ve never been and exhibitionist.

Atomic

I close my eyes and we are mists floating into each other
Dim night shades gliding into one another
Our lips like two atomic clouds, intentionally colliding
My lids softly flutter at the thought…each molecule disintegrating for a purpose
Tingling as they dissipate into the moment

I AM ANGRY…

I am angry behind my shades.

Underneath my yellow wool trench coat, I am a thin
layer of gray.

In between the mists of my coconut cream scent I am the foul
stench of disappointment.

Infused in curly-hair cream and extra black mascara is a follicle of a fool, completely refuting a fantasy shattered by preparation and foiled by the consistent inconsistency that I feared would ruin my memory.