Category: Creativity

2013 The Year of Conquering Fear

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It’s been a long time since I’ve posted.  Inconsistency is the death of progress and 2013 is to be a year of progress.  So consistency, here I come!

It’s the last day of January 2013 and I thought it would be a good time to assess this year’s goals.  I’ve had an entire month to get a feel of what 2013 is offering and commit to what I want it to be.  I will not say “2013 is my year,” but I will definitely say that 2013 will be a breakthrough year for me.  And, no it’s not because I will be turning 30!

I have labeled 2013 the year to CONQUER FEAR!  It’s said that fear is the fuel for every great acheivement that ever was, so 2013 is the time to be courageous and plan on acheiving those dreams that fear told me were unattainable.

My first fear-facing acheivement of 2013 had a running start, because I started taking guitar classes last October.  But on January 26th 2013, I performed my first guitar solo.  I down play it by making sure everyone knows how much I fumbled with singing and playing John Lennon’s “Imagine.” But it was honestly a great personal acheivement, because the three months of weekly learning sessions did not take away from facing my fear of getting on a stage and having all eyes on me.  As I continue to practice, I hope that I am continually inspired to write so that I can start writing and performing solo-worthy songs.

I’ve also decided that 2013 is the year to work on my issue with Trust.  Anyone who really knows me knows that instilling Trust from the start is a major issue of mine, which definitely stems from the fear of being hurt or taken advantage of.  But I’ve recently come to the revelation that sometimes Trust has to be given before it can be earned.  Regardless of how you try to prevent it, life will bring you pain.  Life will bring you disappointment.  But life will also bring you love.  Life will bring you everlasting friendships.  Life will bring you moments that will make a little (or a lot) of pain worth the risk.  Being suspicious and overly analytical will only beget further negative energy.  I’m working on being courageous enough to take on all that life has to bring with an open heart and mind.

Decide what you want from 2013.  Manifest it!  Face it!  Take it!  You are the only thing holding you back from facing your destiny.

Rejected into dreams

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Before I had decided to apply for Teach For America, I realized that for me, making money is not enough.  My progress in life and my knowledge of self tells me I need to move on from my current position.  But unfortunately, I didn’t get into the T.F.A. program.  I have to say, this was initially disappointing, however, dwelling on this rejection would not have served a purpose.  But this does put me into the predicament of looking for other options as far as employment.  And the search continues.  All I know is that I want it all …

Religious and Spiritual

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This past week, I had a conversation with a friend of mine on the issues of being “religious” and “spiritual.”  The dictionary shows that these two words are interchangeable, but I always thought of the two as different.  So I thought to pose the question to you readers as to if you feel there is a difference.

  • Do you think that being religious is different to being spiritual?
  • Which do you find more favorable and why?
  • Are there any benefits or hindrances to being either religious or spiritual?
  • What are the benefits and hindrances of either?

I just wanted to stir the pot a bit.

Achieving Goals

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One of the things we are told in school while we were still pretty young, was that “if you fail to plan, then you plan to fail.” Now, I’ve never really been much of a planner. I’ve always been the spontaneous type, getting what I need for the moment, but as I have realized that time is continuing to move along and my years are steadily climbing in numbers, I have become pretty particular with my schedule as well as goals that I want to achieve and when I want to achieve them and I have moved forward in my life, but is it because of planning, or just because I wanted something bad enough to just do it? I’m not going to go too deep into what those goals are because I wanted this blog to pose this question:

Does not planning allow us to procrastinate on achieving our dreams and maybe not even get what we want, or is wanting something enough? And is it possible to achieve things without planning; and if planning is necessary, how meticulous should one be in their planning?

All in Love is Fair

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Something inspired by Stevie Wonder’s ability in finding a way to give a piece of his soul while taking a piece of yours in a way that only a musical genius could.

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Was it wrong to want you? Because Hades still burns through and through. From deepened thoughts to softened skin. At times I wonder if it’s really Love that I feel, this passion that consumes me in melancholic bouts. Or could it just be infatuation? All I know is I want you next to me. And in these moments, spurs of idiomatic phrases crystallize in my soul. “I love you.” “I want you.” I think I’ve felt almost every feeling that is because of you, down to the most sinful and I pray that the Universe doesn’t hurl them back at me with your absent presence. Because when I told you I loved you, you put me on hold. So I shoved you out of my life though I still ache to have you near. And I wonder to myself “is it a mistake?” Could I have, should I have endured your proclamations of love without feeling the breath of those words? No.

Though love is patient, I can wait no longer. Maybe in a later life I wold be able to touch your skin again. Maybe in a later life you’ll be the African and I’ll be the Egyptian. But the woman of this life shall endure without the sweetness of your words. The woman of this life will no longer touch her lips to your lips and will ache at the thought of being without those meager things. Those dreams of Love sting less when it doesn’t dangle from a tree like some strange fruit. A faded memory, out of sight to lessen the pain. Call me a coward for searching for the less painful dream of making love to “music of my mind.”

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Superwoman . . . Where Where You When I Needed You

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Being that I’m feeling very amorous at the moment, I thought I’d post another song (music is my lifeline).  Lyrics are below if you’re interested.  This song was composed by the genius Stevie Wonder.

This song was introduced to me by the love of my life…

Mary wants to be a superwoman
But is that really in her head
But I just want to live each day to love her
for what she is

Mary wants to be another movie star
But is that really in her mind
And all the things she wants to be
She needs to leave behind

But, very well, I believe I know you-very well
Wish that you knew me too-very well
And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

Very well, and I think I can face-very well
Wish that you knew me too-very well
And I think I can cope with everything going through your head

Mary wants to be a superwoman
And try to boss the bull around
But does she really think that she will get by with a dream

My woman want to be a superwoman
And I just had to say good-bye
Because I can’t spend all my hours start to cry

But, very well, I believe I know you
Very well wish that you knew me too
Very well, And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

Very well, think that I know you too
Very well, wish you knew me like I know you
Very well, but I think I can deal with everything going through your head
Your filthy head

Very well, dum dum da, dum dum da
Very well, wish you knew me too
Very well, And I wish I could think of everything going through your head

Very well, dum dum da, dum da, dum da
dum dum da, dum da, very well
And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

When the summer came you were not around
Now the summer’s gone and love cannot be found
Where were you when I needed you-last winter, my love?

When the winter came you went further south
Parting from love’s nest, leaving me in doubt
Where are you when I need you, like right now?

Our love is at an end
But you say now you have changed
But tomorrow will reflect love’s past

When the winter came you were not around
Through the bitter winds love could not be found
Where were you when I needed you, last winter, my love?

Oh I need you baby, I need you baby

Our love is at an end
But you say now you have changed,
But tomorrow will reflect love’s past oh

Spring will fill the air and you will come around,
Well is it summer love that will let me down,
Where were you when I needed you, last winter, my love?

La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, la la la la la
Where are you when I need you, like right now?
Right now, right now, right now

Where were you when I needed you last winter, my dear
I need you baby, I need you baby, I need you baby
Oh, Where were you when I needed you last winter, last winter

Yea, Need you Baby, need you, need you baby,
Oh, you want me too need you baby
Oh where were you when I needed you last, dear
Yea

Body over mind

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As I sit hunched over my laptop, I feel the skin of my stomach being indented by the elastic of my too-short shorts. My breasts form little creases with the top of my torso and all I can think is how much I don’t want to focus on my body. My body doesn’t feel as it used to when I worked out. And I am not only talking about the lost firmness, but I had more energy and more strength. I could walk for long distances without feeling as though someone was pulling on my hamstring. I didn’t need to bend over and contort my back while standing on a packed train for too long. I tug at my overgrown sleeping shirt so that it stretches over my knees as I sit Indian style on my bed. Typing away, my lower back begins to get weary and with one hand on the other wrist, I raise my hands over my head and stretch up and then to the left and right. I think to myself, that maybe if I laid on my stomach this pressure on my lower back would cease, but I am wrong. As soon as I turn onto my stomach, I feel the weight of my body take a toll on my elbows, my spine feeling like that of a compressed cobra. After about 5 minutes of my backbone sandwich, I roll the upper half of my body so that I can sit on my feet. I reach over to the economy size lotion bottle from the nightstand. I rub the cold cream on my calves to soften the little prickles of hair on my legs that get caught in the fleece fabric of the covers. I close my laptop and lay on my back, legs straight out, hands on my sides. My body imprints the ashy blue sheets. I close my eyes and the bright sun shines through the windows onto my eyelids. There is too much to write about.

TEACH FOR AMERICA

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I didn’t write about my declared posted on “Cutie Pie Danielito” because I spent my time tonight writing my letter of intent for TEACH FOR AMERICA which is supposed to answer these three questions:

* Why do you seek to join Teach For America?
* What would you hope to accomplish as a corps member?
* How would you determine your success as a corps member?

Before I share with you all my reasons for wanting to do this program, I’d like to give you a little information about this amazing program. In short, it is a 2-year program that allows recent college graduates from all backgrounds and career interests to commit to teach for two years in urban and rural public schools. Training and ongoing support is provided for those accepted. Those who know me know that I am a sucker for kids, and this will allow me determine if being a teacher is something that I would want to continue to pursue, even after my 2-year commitment. For more information on TEACH FOR AMERICA, visit their website at www.teachforamerica.org. Let me know if I have a shot with this letter:

Dear Committee Members,

My interest in joining Teach for America is a personal, as well as professional choice. I was born an raised in Brooklyn and was taught in the public education system and I recently graduated from CUNY – Brooklyn College, so I am well acquainted with what it is to be a student in the New York school system. In teaching children here, I would not only gain more organizational, communicative as well as other leadership qualities, but the experience will be a cathartic in my efforts to be a positive role model for my students, who are just like I was. So TFA would be the beginning of a journey toward personal as well as professional fulfillment.

I love children and admire how they learn and grow. With TFA, I will be a part of that process. My niece, 9, is one of the most amazing people to me, in her creativity and her fragility. I believe that all children are like that on most levels. To some degree, I am like that. Children want to be heard. Children want to be understood. Children want to learn. Children want to be encouraged. I do feel a bit naïve with these thoughts, but it is this idealism, as well as my understanding of children, that makes me believe in my ability to be a positive role model, as well as a great teacher.

The teachers I remember most are those from my elementary and Junior High School days. The ones I weren’t too fond of, as well as the ones who were supportive yet stern. The latter were the ones I admire to this day. Being a teacher is at times a stressful occupation. It’s all about communication, understanding and patience. Some people are not equipped with those skills. I am proud to say that I am ever growing in these skills. With these skills I hope to help my students learn from me as much as I learn from them. I hope to find and teach better ways to communicate and better ways to learn. As a corps member, I hope to be a part of the lives of children from neighborhoods I am familiar with. I hope to be one of the teachers that they remember in their adult years, who help mould them and support them in their life’s endeavors. I hope to be one who will listen and understand their educational needs and use that information to improve the school system.

Success as a corps member would be to help improve the capacity of a student’s mind as well as their “spirit.” A lot of people I know, who grew up neighborhoods like the one I will be teaching in, lacked the ability to believe in things that they can achieve. Those people lacked the encouragement to believe that they can be successful adults and unfortunately, some of that discouragement came from teachers. In all my idealism, I do not believe that being a corps member will easy. So my success as a corps member will not only be measured in student test scores. My success would be measured by continual, steadfast ambition in my primary goal of being a great teacher and a positive influence on students.

Introducing "The Performing Walnut"

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As those who know me know, I am was a closet performer. Though I would burst out singing at random times and sing in the shower or my room, as well as acting out skits or friendly impersonations (hahaha), I still only did these things within my comfort zone. I wouldn’t sing too loud in public or act out in front of strangers (much), but now these random takes are not the only time one might hear or see me perform. I am currently taking acting as well as singing lessons to increase my ability to perform and at the very least make me better and give me the balls to show everyone what I’ve got!

I’ve been taking classes for about seven months now, and about 3 months of voice lessons and I have been loving it. Though when I’m instructed to sing a note, or act out a monologue in a certain way, I feel my brain do contortions in order to deliver the song, note or line the way instructed. But in all the time that I’ve been learning from my teachers, I have never felt the way I’ve felt this week.

This Sunday, I took my usual Sunday acting class with Jay Michaels and I delivered the monologue “Dance 10 Looks 3” from “THE CHORUS LINE.” In the monologue, Val is telling her story of why she felt she had to get plastic surgery in order to be a dancer on Broadway. After about five minutes of trying to deliver it as instructed, I got so frustrated tears started leaking from my eyes. I know five minutes sounds like a short time, but five minutes of saying the same 3 lines over and over again seems like forever when I’m trying to get a “scene” right. But Jay knew what he was doing in having me repeat, and repeat, and repeat those first few lines. He wanted to get the emotion of a jaded woman who wanted to basically spit in the face of those who she auditioned for, because it was people like them who made her have to change her image. In essence, I had to remove my preconceived notions of what the monologue was about. I simply took it as a funny story and tried to deliver it that way. What I learned from Sunday’s class, on a more real/personal level, is that as actor, one has to peel away the layers of their role in order to deliver that monologue as a real person, not as an image. The image is what the audience sees. An actor has to be the person. Sunday’s class was the hardest class I’ve ever experienced with Jay. The walnut was cracked Jay! Oyyyy, but I still love ya!

Today was my voice lesson with Mary Elizabeth MiCari, and again, it was a tough lesson. To me, singing is a lot like acting in my need to connect and invoke emotion from and through the song/monologue/scene. However, I think singing is more physical for me in that if I’m feeling tense then my voice is like a log, and boy oh boy did I feel tense today. Even certain warm ups felt like I was reaching for the highest mountain top with a bag of bricks on my back. But I got through it and again, I felt as though I was cleansed of my negative energies through the hour of concentration on breath. It’s almost like yoga for my soul.

In taking these lessons I hope that I have become better at what I used to just do for fun. I hope to grow in both skill and ambition. Since I started taking lessons, I’ve done one play, one reading and was featured in GENESIS REPERTORY’S season debut show “GEN 10.” There are more shows/plays to come, including a show featuring songs from THE AMERICAN SONGBOOK and a debut of my acting class at an Off-Off-Broadway location. I was made for performing. I just have to break out of my shell and give it all I got!!

Gravity

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I was introduced a few months ago to Sara Bareilles song “Gravity” by a good friend of mine, and fell in love. Granted, this song was featured on Bareilles’ album “Little Voice” in 2007, a whole three years ago, but the lyrics to this song is timeless. What made me really fall in love with this song were the lines:

“You loved me ’cause I’m fragile, but I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone.”

In my interpretation, this is a smartly written song. And that is the real reason for this blog today; the concept of this song “Gravity.” The essential definition to the word “gravity,” (following the concept of the song and according to thefreedictionary.com) is “the natural force of attraction exerted by a celestial body…upon objects at or near its surface, tending to draw them toward the center of the body.” I am an over-analyzer, so not only do I see Bareilles’ idea of being held down by this lover, but also being draw to her lover, a “celestial body” himself.

That’s it y’all. I’m a hopeless romantic and I think this song is tortuously passionate, and share-worthy. LoL. I’ve posted the video (very visually stimulating as well as creative) from youtube.com as well as the lyrics (written by Sara Barielles) below. Hope you fall in love with it as I did. Listen and Enjoyyyyy.

GRAVITY

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do.
I still feel you here, ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love, and not feel your reign

Set me free, leave me be
I don’t want to another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re onto me, and all over me

Oh, you loved me ’cause I’m fragile
But I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don’t want to another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re onto me, and all over me

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground
But you’re neither friend nor foe, though I can’t seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down
You’re keeping me down

You’re onto me, onto me and all over
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.